A few years back, I was dating this girl who I knew I was in love with. We spent over 2 years together, with all the ups and downs a relationship might have. It was my first serious relationship and I was determined to give it my all. Thinking about it now, we could’ve put my focus on more important things, maybe the outcome could’ve been better, but we struggled to hold a healthy relationship.
As time went on, there was more downs than ups in the relationship and I slowly began to feel a gap between how I felt about that person and what I wanted from the relationship. It seemed as if I was unworthy of that love, and chose to ignore the emotional aspect on the relationship and focus on the physical aspect. So I began to think that “maybe I don’t love that person anymore” but the truth is, I was only shutting down my feelings. I started making less efforts and choosing the easy way out, even though it wasn’t always the best.
I began questioning everything about that relationship.
Eventually, we broke up. I started questioning myself and my choices, and I finally realized that I was self-sabotaging. So before putting myself out there again, I’ve made an active effort to better myself when it comes to relationships. Thankfully, some friends suggested talking to a therapist to help me overcome these struggles. I also go into reading more books about relationships and how to become a better partner.
That’s when I came across this book called “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert”, and it totally shifted my perspective about healthy relationships. It’s been a few years now and this book has helped me a lot. I thought I might share my key takeaways with you.
Eventually I was more in peace with myself, but remember that when you become aware of your patterns and change your behaviors, the right people can and will present themselves in your life.
Principle 1 : Enhance your Love Map to Build a Healthy Relationship
Understanding and empathizing with your partner’s inner world is one of the most important rules of emotional connection. Fostering intimacy by delving deep into each other’s thoughts, feelings, and aspirations is a good way for you and your partner to reconnect on a deeper level.
You can get the the full Love Map Questionnaire here! 👇🏻
You can download the full Love Map Questionnaire here! You also find bonus questions you and your partner can ask each other.
A love map represents the intricate knowledge one possesses about their partner’s life, including their likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, and hopes. It involves an ongoing exploration and curiosity about the nuances of one another’s inner worlds.
Couples who actively cultivate their love maps display a heightened sense of emotional connection and responsiveness, creating a secure foundation for their relationship. By asking probing questions, actively listening, and expressing genuine interest in each other’s experiences, couples can strengthen their emotional bonds and build a reservoir of shared memories and understanding.
Enhancing love maps involves a commitment to adapt and evolve alongside your partner as life circumstances change, ensuring that the map remains current and relevant.
Ultimately, the first Principle suggested by John M. GOTTMAN serves as a reminder that the journey of love is not just about navigating external landscapes but also about exploring the depths of each other’s hearts and minds, fostering a profound sense of connection and understanding along the way.
Principle 2: Nurture Fondness & Admiration
Fondness and admiration strengthens the feeling of warmth and appreciation, reinforcing the emotional intimacy in a couple. John Gottman’s second Principle, highlights the profound impact of positive regard and genuine admiration on the health and vitality of romantic bonds.
At its core, nurturing fondness involves cultivating a deep-seated appreciation for your partner’s qualities, along the flow of daily life. By actively seeking out moments of joy, tenderness, and connection, couples can foster their affection for one another, which serves you both in times of challenge and adversity. It is very important for partners to practice this admiration as it fosters a sense of mutual respect and validation.
Through heartfelt gestures, affirmations, and expressions of gratitude, couples can build a culture of positivity and goodwill. Ultimately, Principle 2 suggested by John GOTTMAN invites couples to approach their relationship with tender care and appreciation, nurturing the roots of love and affection that sustain them through life’s ups and downs.
Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Another fundamental principle: the choice to turn toward one another with openness, empathy, and genuine interest. I find it very important to talk about the powerful impact of small moments of connection in fostering emotional intimacy and strengthening the bonds of love.
In fact, it’s all too easy to drift apart, allowing distractions and obligations to overshadow the tender threads that bind couples together. However, the decision to turn toward one’s partner is a conscious commitment to be there for one another in every moment of your life. Whether it’s a shared glance, a heartfelt embrace, or a thoughtful gesture, these seemingly ordinary acts serve as potent catalysts for deepening emotional connection and fortifying the foundation of trust and security within the relationship.
Turning toward each other provides a sense of emotional safety and validation, affirming each partner’s worth and importance. In essence, this principle is an invitation for couples to embrace the profound beauty and potential of turning toward one another with unwavering presence and affection.
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
Tthe art of compromise and mutual respect forms the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
John Gottman’s fourth Principle, underscores the importance of embracing the perspectives, opinions, and desires of your partner as an important components of your everyday decision-making. Too often, the temptation to assert dominance or prioritize personal agendas can show signs of discord and resentment within the relationship, shadowing the delicate balance of partners. Cultivating a spirit of openness and receptivity to our partner’s input, is the best way to establish a meaningful dialogue, shared decision-making, and collective growth.
Whether it’s acknowledging the validity of differing viewpoints, honoring each other’s needs and preferences, or seeking common ground regardless of divergent perspectives. Giving your partner the chance to influence you usually allows a profound shift in relational dynamics. Giving up on the need for control, couples cultivate a deeper sense of trust and intimacy, laying the groundwork for love and shared fulfillment.
Principle 4 invites couples allow for this mutual influence and co-creation, where their individual voices merge to form a stronger unique one.
Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
Conflicts and disagreements is an inevitable aspect of shared human experience. This principle offers a roadmap for couples to address and resolve relational challenges with empathy, and mutual understanding rather than conflict and close mindedness.
The first step towards solving a conflict, is to differentiate between issues that can be resolved through dialogue and those that may require deeper exploration and compromise. By identifying solvable problems—those rooted in specific behaviors, preferences, or circumstances—couples can harness the power of effective communication, active listening, and creative problem-solving to attain mutually agreed solutions. Whether it’s establishing clear boundaries, negotiating shared responsibilities, or expressing individual needs and desires with clarity and compassion, it should be done in a spirit of collaboration and resilience within the relationship.
Another important aspect of problem solving is embracing vulnerability and authenticity in the face of conflict to build a deeper sense of trust and mutual support.
Principle 6: Overcome GridLock
Almost all gridlocked conflicts stem from unfulfilled dreams. What I mean is, the perpetual conflicts in your relationship may symbolize a profound difference between you and your partner’s personality and lifestyle preferences.
The first step in overcoming gridlock is open communication with your partner about your hopes, aspirations, and life goals.
The phenomenon of Gridlock can be a huge barrier to emotional connection. These Gridlocks are basically unresolved conflicts and deeply rooted differences that can undermine the foundation of mutual understanding. Unlike solvable problems that yield to compromise and negotiation, gridlock represents a state of impasse, characterized by deeply ingrained beliefs, values, and aspirations that are usually related to principles.
You know you’ve reached a Gridlock when:
- You’ve had the same argument again and again with no solution.
- Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy or affection.
- The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
- Compromise seems impossible because it would mean giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that these Gridlocks are a dead end. It’s just that unlike solvable problems, these issues are more complex, and need a better understanding of underlying emotions, fears and unmet needs that fuel them. Through patient listening, empathic validation, and a willingness to explore creative solution, couple can overcome these gridlocks and turn these complex differences into opportunities to strengthen their bond.
Fortunately, the more you start following the other 5 principles, the less likely you are to come across these gridlocks.
Through patient listening, empathic validation, and a willingness to explore creative solutions, couples can overcome these gridlocks.
Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning
The quest for shared meaning emerges as a sacred journey of co-creation and collective purpose.
The power of shared values, traditions, and aspirations in fostering a sense of belonging and spiritual connection within the relationship is undeniable. Beyond simple companionship or shared experiences, shared meaning is the essence of a couple’s shared identity and vision for the future, serving as an ultimate guide through overcoming life’s challenges. Whether through shared rituals, traditions, or shared dreams, couples strengthen their relationship with depth, purpose, and resonance.
By honoring each other’s unique perspectives and contributions, couples co-create a shared narrative that only them are responsible of. The importance of shared meaning over steps the boundaries of individual fulfillment, offering couples a profound sense of connection and belonging, where the bonds of love and shared purpose intertwine.
What’s next?
The seven principles outlined by John Gottman, which inspired this piece of content, offer invaluable insights into the art of cultivating healthy, thriving relationships. From enhancing our love maps to creating shared meaning, each principle serves as a guiding light for couples to build deeper connection and intimacy with their partners.
The key takeaways in my opinion would be:
- Reunion: Take the time to reconnect with your partner when you get home after a long work-day. Share a hug and a kiss, this is worth coming home to! Also, make sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation.
- Admiration and Appreciation: Do your best to communicate genuine affection and appreciation to one another. By saying “I love you” for example.
- Affection: Show each other physical affection and make sure to share a kiss good-night before going to sleep. Always fill your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.
- Date: Make sure to always reignite the flame. Those intimate just-the-two-of-you moments you spend will help you update your love maps.
- Forgive yourselves: No matter your current relationship situation, you need to be ready to forgive one another and work as a team to overcome your differences.
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